This article originally ran in the Dec. 17, 2015 issue of Smashpipe
Trump can buy any town in America and raffle it off to the delegates on ISIS’s GoFundMe page.
By Tony Sokol
Does it really matter if Donald Trump wins the election or not? Can’t he just buy it? It’s not like he’d be setting a precedent. Kennedy bought watery tombs for election boxes in Chicago and Bush hung his chads on craigslist. Trump probably wouldn’t even have to lay out the money himself. I mean he’s not spending anything on the election now. Every network and cable news show is giving him more free promotion than he could ever hope to buy and he’s got a well-spring of would-be contributors who would be happy to add to his coffers if only for the chance at just a little bit more. Trump could invest in a national payroll and just buy the presidency outright.
It’s all about jobs to most people and that’s one thing Trump can bring to the table. He’s hired and fired more people than anyone in the running except maybe Carly Fiorina, who did it just to clear her head in the mornings. Trump had a reality show built around it, for Christ’s sake. Look at what he did for the workforce in Atlantic City in the late 80s. Well, maybe not too close.
Trump can offer everyone in America a job. Shit, he can privatize the country and even get people overseas to do it for us. He said he can get Mexico to pay for that great wall of his and even hire his contractors and get them a good deal on his friend’s concrete. But even if Trump keeps the country intact, which he won’t do because he’ll probably take Texas up on their next threat to secede and then charge them rent when they want to come back, he can fill in the unemployment gap. What? It’s down to 5 percent? That’s nothing. Trump can hire them to vote for him on a contract basis where it says they have to prove they did in order to get paid. He hired people to wear his baseball caps early in his run. It’s a small investment.
You gotta spend money to make money and he’s not spending anything yet. Right now, Trump’s just daring the Republican Party to kick him out so he can run as an independent. That would ensure a united Democratic Party candidate, whatever that means with the Beltway crowd, so the GOP’s giving him a lot of slack before they cut him loose. They might think they’re giving him enough rope to hang himself with, but they’re just dangling string to a kite.
Trump as an indie can channel his true inner Fuckface von Clownstick, as The Daily Show host Jon Stewart dubbed him when Trump first announced he was running. Fuckface can do whatever the fuck Fuckface wants to do without the collective fuckfaces of the Republican national committee trying to use his clownstick as a steering wheel. Fuckface can say what he wants and promise what he wants and if he wants to offer every American a job if he gets elected, we can all suck on his clownstick.
And what a clownstick it is, all gilded gold and monogrammed. Who wouldn’t want to get knocked into unconsciousness with a clownstick like that? Ask any inquisitive #blacklivesmatter Trump convention visitor or some very lucky journalists and they will all agree that the walloping of a golden clownstick beats a Taser-blast any day. Although watching what Fargo did with the cattle prods may push a rush on the market.
With the money Trump saves he’s also got enough to take care of The State of Islam, who he’s shilling for on early morning, foreign-market infomercials costumed as a catheter cowboy. Trump can hire ISIS to clean up the Middle East and fire them if they soil outside their territory. If he can convince these guys to strap on cameras instead of bombs, he can turn it into one of the best reality shows the world has ever seen. ISIS is all about social media. He might even get them to pay for it.
People who work for Trump now, at his company The Trump Organization, never want to leave. Well, that is they kind of have to stick around a while to qualify for their 401(k). Like his TV show, you have to put in an apprenticeship and then wait and get put on track and it just takes years. A person could retire before they qualify for retirement benefits, which is a quality Trump’s HR values in an applicant.
As a venerated job creator, demigods who breathed life into paper creating the individuals known as corporations, Trump can guarantee everyone in America a job for at least four years. After which he’ll probably have to declare bankruptcy for the hostile takeover of another country, possibly Syria.